Twenty-Nine: Red

I am so angry.  So full of rage.  I am trying to deal with it, not take it out on people around me.  But everything that comes up that makes me the slightest bit angry or annoyed gets blown out of proportion.  I’m a little out of control.  Looking back on the last three days, I think I can get a little control back on this rage.  I am angry for several reasons.  I don’t want to talk about all of them here.  But I think the main thing I’m mad about is that I feel like everything has been disrupted.  Which it has.  But I’m mad because now I have to deal with all these stupid emotions and loss and I’m afraid of getting depressed.  But maybe this is just something I have to figure out….how to deal with all this stuff without getting depressed.  SIGH.

Mostly I just feel like yelling, “I don’t have time for this!”  Which is how I really feel.  Like I’ve said before, there are too many things that demand my energy these days.  Work, people, etc.  Things I like to do and want to do.  I don’t want to be handicapped by the events of this week.  But I also don’t want to just ignore the feelings or push them away, because they will just keep coming back.  Good freakin’ grief.

I probably just need to calm down with all of this.  Mellow out.

I know it’s normal to have these feelings.  I just don’t want to deal with them right now!  Wow, could I get any more bratty?  Jeez!

So far, Twenty-Nine is off to a really bad start.  I was trying to be positive about it, but too many things have come up today that I just can’t sugar coat anymore.  Maybe if I let today be negative, let those things out (I already have, accidentally), tomorrow will be better.  Actually, I know tomorrow will be better because it’s St. Patrick’s day.  Roomie and I are going to a parade, hopefully, but then definitely going out somewhere to listen to Irish music and eat delicious Irish food.  So it will be GREAT.  I know it.  Maybe it’ll get rid of this bratty spirit that’s been haunting me today.