"She spends all night in the backyard staring up at the stars and the moon." ~Sara Groves, "Maybe There's a Loving God"

So I've been thinking about life, the farm, and the surrounding area lately. Living here again has made me realize just how much we HAVE here. We have LAND. Do you realize how hard it is to have land these days, much less fifty acres? Talking to Nancy yesterday made me realize just how much we really have and got me thinking about some things. Leave it to Nancy to spark deep thoughts. :)

So....I really think my aunt has disconnected herself from this place so much so that she simply doesn't care and doesn't even want to think about keeping it anymore. Actually, she's said everything to that effect without saying those actual words. So I know it's true. But, as I've learned over and over (and am still learning), you can only ignore things or run away from things for so long before they catch up to you and hit you in the face. I'm scared for her because I know that one day after this place is gone she'll be sitting alone somewhere thinking about her life and all the memories of here will flood in. She'll become overwhelmed with emotion and want to take back all the fighting, all the endless arguing and harsh words that she used to dump this place. I know that deep down she really cares about it, because Grandma cares about it and she cares about Grandma. I'm so scared knowing that all this will happen and I'm irritated that I feel that I don't want to be there for her because I'm sick of dealing with everyone else's problems. I can only be the magician for so long. Well, maybe magician is the wrong word, but you get my drift.

I wish I could find a way to talk to her, to show her what the future might hold. But I know she won't listen to me. She rarely listens to me when I'm talking about important things, no matter how much she cares about me and how I hold a position of power between her and Dad. I hate manipulating, but with her there is no other option. She dishes it out, so I've got to feed it back to her to make her understand. Ugh, there must be ways to make my heart feel less heavy right now!

So.....back to the farm. God, I love it here so much! Before I came back I was thinking, "Oh man, what am I going to do...I'll be living in the creepiest house ever and I might turn into a mental case because of it! Plus there's my parents, whom I love but am irritated by at the same time." But it hasn't been that bad. Yes, Dad has been quite irritating and aggravating, but I know most of it is because his shoulder is killing him and pain on top of a mental condition doesn't produce positive results. The farm itself is beautiful. This house is more awesome than I had ever thought. Mostly because I've found a way to sleep through the night without freaking myself out by remembering all the ghost stories my aunt and dad told me. I'm pretty sure they were lying. Yes, I have actually felt the bed shake for no apparent reason, but why should I be afraid of something that really can't physically hurt me? Plus, I moved the bed from its original spot and haven't felt any unusual shaking since. So there, supposed ghost.

Ever since the lovely two days at the beautiful Christian Renewal Center, I haven't been able to wake up past 7:30am or 8. On one hand it sucks because it's so early...I wasn't used to it. But now I'm actually glad I get up that early because I can see the morning sun and smell the fresh air and get yardwork done before it gets super hot. Mornings are the best. Usually mom and dad have gone to work so I've got the whole place to myself. It's those quiet, still moments that make me want to stay here forever.

I've been trying to imagine what it will be like without the farm. I don't want to imagine it. I want it to be in the family forever, a place for us to come when we need to get away from the craziness of our lives. But I'm not in control of it, I don't have any decision-making power. I can try to convince dad, but these days I suppose I should be helping him let go of the farm rather than cling harder to it. It's taken us about a year to pry off one hand, and the other is coming looser day by day. Yeah, I know "looser" isn't a word but I couldn't think of anything else and hey, this is MY blog. :)

Well, I do think this is long enough now. Just needed to get out what's been on my heart for awhile. Maybe it'll lighten up a bit now. Hope you are all having a lovely Thursday. It's a nice sixty degrees up here on the farm. :)