Lately there has been some very influential music in my
life. Some songs that just grab my
heart. They emit such great feelings and
help me process so many emotions. Music
is just so amazing. I am so grateful for
this creation, so thankful to God for creating it. Sometimes I just can’t work things out in
silence, even though I like silence.
I feel like I am always processing, constantly working
through something. Even when I’m in
denial of the issues. My mind, heart,
spirit is always working. Chipping away
at myself, sloughing off the old, dead layers.
Laying them to rest. I am letting
go. Letting go of that wretched past. Letting go of even the bright spots of my
wretched past. One of my very closest
friends has helped me tremendously in that area. She didn’t mean to. Isn’t that how it always works? We are so unaware, yet God is constantly working
things out through us to help those we care about. Even though it’s been over, dead and gone for
several, several years, I have finally come to a place where I can let go of
some feelings I didn’t realize I had still been holding on to. And it is such an amazing release. To feel like I can see that person in a mutual
place again and not feel the urge to hide.
I haven’t had that opportunity yet, but I know it will happen
someday. Our lives are still a tiny bit
intertwined, and I can’t cut the vein. It
would mean destroying a key part of my life.
I never even thought of doing that, I guess just knowing that it would
never really come to pass. I’m too
invested. I love it too much. It has shaped too much of me. So now it is just so nice to feel like I can
still be safe there, be open and stop hiding from him in the shadows.
I miss a lot of people.
I miss Mijin and Motomi. I miss
Theresa living here. Currently, I don’t
mind living alone for a few weeks at a time.
And I’m not really looking forward to finding someone new to occupy the
extra space. But that doesn’t mean I
will deny that act. I just don’t look
forward to it. I miss Motomi living
here. Like I said. And Theresa.
And Mijin. Thankfully, technology
offers a bridge between Mijin’s world and mine, so we get to keep our
friendship going sort of strong. I’m
pretty content with any level of strength in our friendship. She’s an amazing person.
I am going to a different church now. I left Irvington in March. Just couldn’t do it anymore. I felt so much turmoil there, so much drama,
it was actually eating away at me. I
couldn’t focus on the whole purpose of church, to learn more about God and His
community, to worship Him. Worship was
the worst. I just couldn’t get into it
there after January. I felt isolated and
alone, probably for good reason. I was
the only 28-year-old single female attending that church, I’m sure. And I longed for so much more connectedness
than I was finding there. So after much
prayer and requests for confirmation, I left.
Now I am going to Imago Dei.
I was attending off and on in the beginning. I was hiding, healing. Now I do everything I can to go every
week. It’s a breath of fresh air
there. I know a few people now, but none
that go to the same service as I do, or at least I never find them in the sea
of people to sit next to. But I don’t
mind. Right now I kind of like attending
on my own. Less distractions. I don’t have to work as hard to focus on God
during worship. I am among strangers, so
I have no obligation to converse with those around me. It’s great.
I can’t say that I will always feel that way, but this is what I need
right now. Maybe in the future I will
build up a group of people to attend church with. But for now, I am really content attending “alone.”
I had a wonderful summer.
I visited my aunt Cheryl and her family in Ohio, at the end of May. It was the best 9 days I have ever spent out
of Oregon. I got to see my cousins as
they are now, young adults. They are so
grown up. The last time any of us really
hung out together, I was 18 and they were all under the age of 10. They have all grown into amazing people of
God. I am impressed. And they are so fun, we all had so much fun
together. It was really great to spend
time with Cheryl too and see the things she appreciates about Toledo. She doesn’t like it as much as other places
they’ve lived, but whether she’ll admit it or not, I can see that there are
definite things she loves there (besides her family). She was a lot healthier than last time I saw
her, despite the recent attack on her body.
God is so amazing. Cheryl has
neuroendocrine cancer which is rare and has no absolute cure. One can be in “remission” with this cancer,
but there is a huge possibility that it will come back again, and then again,
until it takes your life. She’s been in “remission”
for the last year or so, up until her checkup in April. During that visit, they found another
tumor. There were complications in the
biopsy that had us all terrified that this was the end, but God has decided to
keep her going. I hate those
scares. But that’s just a characteristic
of cancer. It loves to scare you. Anyway, I am so happy that she is still
alive. I love her so so much. We had such a wonderful visit. We even got to reflect on Grandma a bit, both
with water in our eyes. Grandma was THE
BEST. Cheryl has had a couple of other
cancer-related issues since I saw her, but she’s still going. And I’m still praying that God will heal
her. He can. No doubt of that.
Bryan got married on the hottest day in August. We have two incredible additions to our
family: Becky and Carrot. I love them both.
I went kayaking once, hiking multiple times, and camping
once throughout the summer. All were
fantastic trips. My favorite would have
to be hiking Dog Mountain. Xiao Xuan and
I hiked half of it and then seriously thought we would die if we didn’t
stop. So we stopped. But we took the hike on again about a month
later, and conquered it. The view is absolutely
amazing. Go, if you haven’t been
yet. It’s worth all the uphill
clawing.
And now it’s fall….well, winter, if you ask me. It’s cold enough for winter. I’m really looking forward to Thanksgiving,
and new developments in my life. It’s
nice to be looking forward to things when it’s so dark outside all the
time. Praying that this will be another
happy season for me.
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