All My Uphill Clawing

I don't even know where to start.  I feel like time is literally flying away from me....or slipping from my grasp.  It's MAY, folks.  Last I checked, it was March.  And I couldn't even believe it was March when it was. The only proof was when everyone sang Happy Birthday.

Winter was hard.  I must've lied in my end-of-the-year letter.  The end of 2011 WAS hard.  And so was the beginning, and so is now.  Except now seems to be showing a silver lining - the clouds in my mind aren't as dark.  I think I was still stuffing down all the hurts when I wrote that the end of 2011 wasn't bad.  I must have been running on adrenaline from Christmas or something.

I know this is normal.  The older you get, the faster time moves.  It's rather unfair, I think, because it's when we are older that we want to soak up the moments, watch children and gardens grow slowly.  But while we're soaking up one moment, another is getting ready to bite us.  At least that's how it's been in my life.  I am sure I am mostly to blame for my meltdowns.  I don't take care of myself.  I take care of others.  I just want to take care of everyone else.  I don't want to have to focus on myself.  Why doesn't this work?  Why do I end up having to do so much work on myself all the time?

Thanks to some VERY good friends who have become close friends, I survived.  I stopped and took care of myself.  I went a little (okay, a lot) crazy in January and February.  I was scatterbrained for the majority of those months and still have trouble time to time staying present in the moment.  Where do I go when I am not in the moment?  Oh, wherever my treacherous mind leads....to the farm, to the broken things I am unable to fix, to the things I want most but still walk around empty-hearted.  Through all of this, God has been my refuge.  He has stood by me.  Even when I hate Him, when I am so ANGRY at Him, when I am crying because I am angry at Him.  I am still trying to figure out this relationship.  I am realizing that I probably won't ever completely figure it out.  I am trying to have peace with that knowledge.

The scariest thing is that in this last month or so, I have connected the dots and am pretty sure that I was dealing with depression.  The monster that eats you from the inside out.  The monster that stole YEARS from my father and as a result, my family.  I have prayed against it.  I have cast out whatever demons that may have been lingering from naive moments.  I should be okay, right?  But the clouds still come.  Some days there is still a barrier my focus can't penetrate.  So on those days I lamely sit at work and do the simplest of tasks because that is the only level of function my brain will allow.  I get exhausting fighting this disease.  I'm mad that I have to fight it.  I keep thinking, "Really, God?  After all I've been through with Dad, You're letting it happen to me too?  Just take it away!  Please!"

I've changed my culinary lifestyle.  I've started taking vitamins.  It has helped a little bit.  I am making more space for myself and for God.  That has helped too.  I just hope it will be enough.  I DO NOT want to follow in my father's footsteps.  I do not want to take anti-depressants.  I would rather not go to counseling, but I do see the benefits of it.  I just want to be able to pull myself up out of this - together with God, shouldn't we be able to fix me?

I am certain that a lot of this is from many things happening all at the same time and little time/energy for me to process each thing.  So how do I just stop and process, when there is more and more madness going on?  Ugh.  I don't like this life.  It just feels so exhausting and not worth the energy at all.  I feel like it's ruining me.  I'll keep going, because that is the noble thing.  But I'm not going to smile and lie to you anymore.  I'm not fine.