"When the night comes, and no one know's how I'm feeling, I've got my private radio." -Vanessa Carlton, Private Radio

Today I went to the Salem public library after my interview to get a little farther in my book (I've been reading it for far too long) and get some writing out. I can write here...but so many things can come up, and have come up, so I think I just need to get outta here sometimes. Anyway, here's what came out today:

My heart pumps for the clean rushing water
The tall swaying trees
The gently falling snowflakes
The majesty of the ocean
My heart pumps for the life that many think doesn't exist.
I can't do what they do all the time.
I can't sit in my car for hours trying to get from one side of the city to the other.
I can't live in a crowded suburban neighborhood.
I need real lifeI need the peaceful life
My heart pumps
My heart beats
I cannot live without it.

And also:

22 rushes below the heavy skyline.
When you stand still, it's easier to breathe.
It's loud out there
But I'm in here and the windows muffle the sound.
What's been on my mind these days?
I think a lot about the people I care about.
And sometimes that leads me to think about the ones I don't care much about, but for some reason care about me.
I guess really, I do care about everyone, on some level.
But unfortunately there are some toxic relationships mixed in, all because the people suddenly changed on me.
How do you tell someone who used to be such a good friend that you don't like the way they've changed?
How do you begin cutting the tape that bonds you to them?
And most of all, how can they NOT SEE how distant you have been, how you have tried to separate yourself from them?
These are questions that I'd like answers to.
I'm trying desperately to rid my life of toxicity.