black sheep don't have to stay that way.

Phone calls from her are few and far between. Only one time have we managed to connect. I wonder about her a lot. Does she call me rarely and randomly because those are the times she is shaky and actually wants family around? Or has a light turned on since her mother's death and she's realized that she deeply cares about us? That she's finally realized what she's missing out on, through all the bad relationships and distance and drugs? I would love to have a face-to-face conversation with her but maybe deep down I am scared. Maybe I don't want to know everything...oh wait, who am I kidding? Of course I want to know. I always want to know everything, that's how I make the stories complete. Too many stories in my life are lacking beginnings and endings. Well, the endings won't come for a few years, so I shouldn't be so surprised. But the beginnings, why does everyone keep everything so hidden? Am I really that intimidating? Please. How can a five-foot-one 24-year-old who apparently looks like an 18-year-old, be intimidating? Is it my eyes? Is it the way I look at you? Do I look at you too intensely? Oh, well then, I am sorry. Unlike some people that's how I show I care....I pay attention. I look intensely, I listen intensely, I care intensely. If that's not what you want, maybe we should stop hanging around each other so much. I really thought you wanted someone who cared, though.

Why is it that whenever I write about one thing, it always ends up being about something completely different?

Back to the SUBJECT. Should I go out of my way to connect with this long-lost second cousin? Many have advised me not to. I should probably listen to them. But I really want the whole story....am I willing to sacrifice my life for it? It may not come to that. But it might. I guess it depends where we meet. Everything is too vague...everyone leaves out the important stuff in my family. Maybe they still think of me as being too young to handle the information. Maybe they think it's none of my business. Maybe THAT'S the journalist in me...the thirst for information. Aha! But I don't have a thirst for the news. Whoops. I have a thirst for knowing the stories of the people I am supposed to hold dear. Who I want to hold dear. Right now it's my Dad's cousins, the other cousins, the ones they whisper about. I want to know the whole story, from the horse's mouth. I'm tired of the circulating tidbits of information the seemingly more noble relatives give me.

The story is only complete when all sides have been heard.