Twenty-Nine: Undershare?

I have a couple of friends who are pretty obsessed with the Meyers-Brigg personality types.  I find it intriguing as well, but as with anything that man has developed, I do my best not to let it consume my life.  It really IS interesting though.  And I like listening to my friends analyze our other friends and talk about all they’ve learned about the personality types.  It’s fascinating. 

I was talking to one of these friends a few months ago about how I have some friends who I believe are extreme extroverts, and how hard it is for me to be around them sometimes.  Let it be known, according to Meyers-Brigg, I am an INFJ.  The N score is kind of low, though, so I think that I slide between N and S.  Also, this particular friend believes that I am in fact an ISFJ, which I don’t completely agree with.  I think I’m and N sometimes and an S sometimes.  

Anyway, so I’m an introvert, which by definition should let you know that in general it’s exhausting for me to be around extroverts, at least for an extended period of time.  I was telling this friend that what really drives me nuts is how some of my extroverted friends feel like they have to share EVERYTHING that happens to them.  Even when it’s a subject that would seem sensitive or like something you shouldn’t talk about in public.  I often feel like there is little discretion involved with these friends.  So I was going on and on about that, and then my friend said, “well, instead of thinking that they are oversharing, have you ever considered that you might be undersharing?”  To which I quickly said, “Oh, no.  They are definitely oversharing.”  But then I thought about it.  And I’ve been thinking about it every so often for a few months now. 

I guess there can be such a thing as “undersharing,” but is that really a bad thing?  I have mostly been a private person my whole life.  I did let go a bit in college and open myself up a bit more, but some of that really backfired, and I’ve since closed a lot of doors in myself to people.  But I don’t think it’s to the extent that people can’t get to know me.  I guess I want to be in control of who gets to know me, and what they get to know.  For some reason that is just really important to me.  I don’t know if it’s a control issue or maybe just the 90-year-old spirit inside me being wise.  I do think it is wise, actually.  I’ve been hurt in the past by sharing too much too quickly, and I guess I’m tired of getting chips in my heart from that.  So I guess really, it’s a protection thing.  Which I don’t think is bad.  I really feel that it is better than the alternative.

Maybe I have been a bit extreme since I moved to Portland though, since I really shut up a lot of myself.  I was coming out of a crazy family situation, much of which I still had to deal with.  And I was extremely paranoid of burdening other people.  It was a rough time.  Since then, I’ve made some new friends, many of which I have deemed trustworthy enough to open up to.  But I still won’t share everything.  I got the feeling that this friend might want me to dump all my life on her.  But….I just don’t think that’s fair.  I’d rather she just ask me all the questions she has.  I’d probably answer all of them.

In the end, I know that I am an introvert and these are introvert tendencies.  But goshdarnit, I also really think that it is more considerate not to go around dumping all your stuff on people unless you’ve taken a minute or two to think about the other person.  Does it seem like he or she is waiting, wanting to listen to your crazy story?  This applies whether it’s a friend, acquaintance, doctor, clerk at the grocery store, or even the administrative assistant at your local CPA’s office.  I honestly feel that there is just too much yammering going on without thought.  Call me cynical, but I doubt you can really disagree with that statement.  And I’m not a cynicist.  I’m a realist.  And I’m just trying to keep the peace between these two extreme personalities.