"Were you surprised our hearts were not like ticking clocks? The faces and hands easy to read." - Sara Groves

Hey, it's a new year. The fourth day of a new year. And it's only been two months of silence on this blog. Sorry....yeah.....life got all up and in the way again. Darn that life, always getting in the way of me expressing myself! Ohhhh, but I suppose it is good too, sometimes. So yeah, it is now 2010. I am glad that 2009 is over, though I'm kinda sad that it makes 2008 farther away. I don't think I've had the time yet/opportunity to fully process 2008. 2009 was nice 'cause I could always reach out to 2008 & pull it back, like a pillow. Or a rock. Sometimes it was quite heavy & hard. Now, 2009 is in the way. Like a person who's talking and talking and not noticing that all you want to do is spend time with your friend, or pillow. It's a little overwhelming....there's a good chance that I am behind 2 years in processing....that is the amount of CRAP that has happened in my life these past 2 years. But maybe I'm thinking about this all wrong. Maybe those hard, seemingly bad things are not crap. Maybe they are blessings. Only in Focus on the Family land, I think.

So anyway. November 2009. Oh yeah....I found a doctor, but I don't think I like her. So I think I will go to someone else next time. Only, it's hard here. Apparently a lot of people live in Portland. There are so many people, and so many people that have the same insurance as me, that there are only a handful of doctors that aren't booked a year out. What are the chances of finding a doctor in that handful that doesn't make you feel disgusting or that you're a liar or that you're weird? In my case, very very slim. So I think I will make an appointment soon for October.

Oh yeah! Tasha & I got free passes to a gym through an awesome friend, so we got to work out in a brand new gym for a month! It was awesome. I miss that place now....and kind of miss working out. But perhaps Tabs will help with that...she has a Wii & Wii Fit discs. Fabulous. Anyway, that was probably the best month of the year. Working out was GREAT.

Thanksgiving was great. I have a fantastic family, in case you didn't know. We are very funny together. After Thanksgiving with the family, I went up to CRC to spend the weekend with my second family. I LOVE THAT PLACE. Can't get enough.

December 2009......Hard. Grandma R. died. She was pretty much my best friend. I'm still processing it...it still seems like I can't completely grasp the thought that I'll never ever see her again. That I'll never ever get to talk to her. That I'll never get to hear her say the word, "delicate" again, that I'll never get to hear her tell me, "Now don't you go getting lost in the wilderness!" Goodness gracious, I loved that woman. I miss her so freaking much. It all happened so suddenly. One minute she's on the phone with my aunt, talking & being her normal self, and five hours later she's dead! And of course I wasn't around....wasn't at the hospital, so maybe that's why it's so hard for me to completely grasp the fact that she's gone. I know she's in a better place, that she's with Grandpa, that she isn't going blind anymore. But that doesn't mean I can't ache for her and miss her....which is pretty much every day.

Grandma died on the 11th. I went to Mom & Dad's that night and was there 'til Saturday night. Then I was back down there the following weekend for Mom's birthday and Grandma's burial. What a mixed weekend. Then I was back down again the following weekend for Christmas. And then this last weekend I went to CRC. So...it has been a very busy month. For sure. And not easy, by any means.

So now it is January again. In just 27 days, it will be the one year anniversary of me being lost in the woods. In just 53 days, it will be the one year anniversary of Cavvie's death. Good grief. Grief.

So...I would like to be hopeful for 2010. But I was hopeful for 2009 and look what happened. So I'm just going to tread as lightly as I can. Man....sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and don't recognize the reflection, that's how hard life's worn me down this year. Heartaches. Loss. Pain. Yeah, blessings in between....but how come whenever I think about everything that's happened, I don't think of the blessings? Maybe it's not that season yet.