hope for the future.

Life is all about perspective. Everyday you choose how things affect you. Trials that come along, you choose how bad they get you down. You choose how angry you get at things that don't go your way. This all sounds simple, and it is. We just have to remember that God's in control and His perspective is positive for us, so we should also have a positive perspective. This doesn't mean our lives will be all gumdrops and rainbows, but it doesn't have to be SO BAD. That's what I've been learning the last couple months, through all these trials. Tribulation will come soon and I can't wait. Above all, I want to live life as positively as possible. That's quite the challenge, since there is so much against me, so much negative beating up the positive. I just have to REMEMBER the perspective I want to have, make it a routine and it'll become second nature. I can do it. I don't have to give in to the negativity. I've been giving in to things a lot. Sleep, laziness. It's not right. I guess I'm still trying to figure out how to deal with Dad and Grandma and losing the farm. I like to pretend that it doesn't hurt, I like to keep my brave face, but hell. It cuts deep. Even as I sit here, finally allowing myself to open up again a bit. I'm sorry I've been so distant. I'm sorry I've said I'm okay when I'm not. I'm still trying to free myself from that wrong mentality that I've grown up with, that I should keep things to myself so I'm not a burden. I'm still learning to trust again. I have great people around me. I don't know why I haven't felt like I can trust all of them. I'm coming out of that now, though. And it feels really good, to start feeling like myself again. I don't feel as lost now, though I still don't know exactly why God brought me to Portland. I admit, it's growing on me....I don't dislike it as much now. Who would've thunk it....

I still have bad parts of some days, but I don't really have whole bad days anymore. I'm regaining my freedom and detaching characteristics that slow my progress. I think I'll be okay, for real. :-)