I have been 30 for approximately
2 months. Usually it takes me 3-6 months
to settle into a new age, sometimes I never feel the age I am. 26, 27 blended together like they were a
continuation of each other. 28 was
tumultuous, 29 was weird and amazing. I
did actually feel like I was on the edge of an age-cliff for most of 29. Very odd feeling. Anyway, thirty has hit me with such force I’m
surprised I’m not still smashed up against the wall. Literally, I was in ANOTHER car accident a
few weeks ago. Recovering from that,
however minor my injuries this time, has been a fair struggle. “They” were telling the truth when they said
that it takes longer for your body to recover from injuries after you turn
30. I always thought I had a grace
period, like I wouldn’t notice much difference for a couple years or so. Nope.
Two months, it took. Well, one
and a half to be honest, since that’s when the dumb girl rear-ended me with her
aunt’s minivan and stole Padma’s life.
Now I’ve got Xena Ebony Rae, who I hope will be mine for at least 2-3
years.
So yeah. Thirtyyyyy.
I don’t actually hate you….but I don’t quite like you, either. I guess, like most things that hit me
quickly, I don’t quite trust you. Hmmmm,
trusting an age. Stranger things have
happened, I suppose.
Another change in the last 2-3
months, I’m not so anxious about finances anymore. I still have mostly the same debt as before,
but somehow my mind has convinced me that it’s not such a big deal anymore and
CAN be conquered and eliminated. It
doesn’t seem as much like a black hole anymore.
Maybe it’s the tiny raise I achieved at the office. Maybe it’s the tiny raise I fought for at the
synagogue. Maybe it’s the new freelance
writing job that fell into my lap. Maybe
it’s a perspective finally working itself out.
In any case, I am thrilled about this fresh perspective. It’s a GINORMOUS burden off my mind and
shoulders. I think also, that maybe, I
prayed about this crazy debt for long enough that God showed me how to actually
let it go. He showed me that honestly,
in the grand scheme of life, it is not that big of a deal. That doesn’t mean that I get to go be
reckless again and keep adding charges to my credit cards without paying
anything back. It just means that I get
to receive the peace that He’s got my back and He’s helping me take care of
it. That is an extremely refreshing and
renewing feeling.
I think that the shock of turning
30 has been somewhat softened and diluted by the fact that so many of my really
close friends are also turning 30. We’re
all in this together. It’s nice to have
friends that are my exact age. Never
thought I would actually say that, as I’ve always chased after friendships with
those 5+ years older than me. But
turning 30, that is just something else.
It’s dramatic and shocking. And
most of my friends that are 5+ years older than me don’t want to try to deal
with that kind of drama. I get it. It’s still a little naïve, and they are SO
mature, ya know. Really, it’s ok. I know I’m “young” still. Haha.
I am happy to say though, that
according to Natasha, I am no longer a baby now that I am 30! Don’t know what she’s going to do with me
now, though. She’ll have to find some
other little box to put me in. Haha!
In terms of a little life update
for y’all, besides all this blathering about getting “older” nonsense, I am
actually very happy with my life right now.
I know, it’s a SHOCKER! Did any
of you ever envision me actually pulling myself out of that downward spinning
spiral I was locked up in? Ya know, the
one where I had rationalized life down to being pretty much pointless to me,
and was literally looking for ways to get killed (without killing myself, I don’t
believe suicide is right) so I could go hang out with Grandma & Grandpa in
Heaven. I still wanna do that, but I’m
not looking for ways to end my life anymore because, mostly, I have the most
AMAZING niece in the whole world. I
actually want to be around to watch her grow up. I want to be a good influence in her
life. I want to continue to have an
amazing relationship with my brother. I
want to have a stronger relationship with Becky. My future is no longer dependent on whether I
get married and have kids anymore. It’s
like literally, this new little life has given ME a NEW LIFE. Well, a new perspective on life. When I think those thoughts from last year
and before, I am no longer comfortable with them. I am no longer comfortable with just wanting
to jump off a waterfall that’s too high & see what happens. I don’t actually want to go to Heaven just
yet.
Brad also makes me want to stay
alive. He has become my best friend, and
now my significant other. I was starting
to think that this wasn’t possible, that I somehow had become my great-aunt
Irene who I actually don’t remember ever meeting (but they all said I did) and
who never married and traveled all over the world. And she didn’t have a million cats,
either. Just postcards and trinkets, and
I’m sure also tons of stories and experiences.
I most definitely didn’t see him coming, he was a co-worker that I could
joke with. Then he was my one good guy
friend who I watched Survivor and The Cosby Show with. And now we’re in love. I actually asked for this, though. I got tired of knowing everything about
everyone I met. I asked God to surprise
me. And he did! It’s the most amazing thing. It’s for sure not at all what I ever imagined….it
is actually BETTER. And here, not too
long ago I was sitting around thinking that all those friends I have who say, “God’s
plan is better than mine,” were all just repeating cliché phrases. Nah, it’s actually true, in this case. And I can’t wait to see where this
relationship goes. So far, it’s amazing.
And of course I cannot leave out
my amazing friends! I’ve become closer
with a few people who are amazing bright lights in my life. Closer with a couple new friends who at first
I didn’t really trust, but who have since become absolute blessings to me. God has always placed brilliant, amazing
people in my life. I’m just really happy
that He is continuing that pattern, and that possibly I’ve earned it a
little. My hard work of nurturing my
friendships is paying off. Just like He
said it would, three years ago when I made a major life change (working
part-time so I could spend time with friends & family). It’s amaaaaaziiiiiing.
No comments:
Post a Comment