"i want to shut out all the lights in this room. i want to start fresh, like a baby in a sink, scrub away all these thoughts that i think," -I. M.

times stops for no person. some days i just can't keep up. um, so much has happened since my last post....don't really know where to start. and i can't write everything...my fingers would die. and i need my fingers. seriously, there really is a lot that has happened. it's sad that few people believe me when i say that because i never have enough time or energy to explain everything. dumb. anyway....here's the basics, i guess.

I'm moving to Portland on May 10th. Housing and job are already set up. I'll be living off the 82nd Avenue exit off I-84 in NE. I'm transferring to the Gresham Visiting Angels office (the company i work for). And it's all God. You all know how I feel about living in Portland. Scared to death. But that's where He wants me, and I just can't give any more to my family without completely losing my own life, so I'm going. He's already opened so many doors, it's completely amazing.

Dad came home from the hospital on March 21. He was good for about two weeks, but now he's up to his old tricks. Mom and I don't know what to do, and we are exhausted with everything else that's going on. We believe God has a plan. But it's sure hard not to lose hope sometimes.

My house is a complete disaster from sorting and packing. This is the first time I've had to completely go through everything I own. Yeah, I've moved before...but I always had this "home base" to store stuff. And now it's leaving us. So I have to take everything I want to keep with me. Which is actually really good...I need to downsize my belongings anyway. But it sure ain't easy, and is very very exhausting.

I've changed. I feel really really really old, older than I've ever felt. I've always felt older than my actual age, but this is different....I feel about 45. Probably from all the crap that's going on, all the craziness coming at me every single freaking day. I worked really hard to make my life somewhat simple, and now it's all blowing up in my face. I'm moving to the busiest city in Oregon. And all I want is peace. Can I have a peaceful life in Portland? Is it possible? I sure hope so. Otherwise...I'll probably have an aneurysm and die. Maybe that's how it'll happen. At least then I'll be able to go to Heaven. My main goal in life.

Jeez, sorry for the morbid talk. Today was just a really hard day with Dad. Like, heart wrenching, heart breaking. Don't know how much longer I can take this.

Mowie keeps jumping into all the empty boxes. I think he wants to come to Portland with me. But he can't. He has to live with my neighbors. Too much responsibility for me now....I would be a horrible mom for him. Already am that, at times. I'm gone a lot. Poor Mowie. At least his future is bright.