"I can't untangle what I feel and what would matter most." --Relief Next To Me, Tegan & Sara

It's October. Three months to the end of the year. I don't know if I'm ready for that, but I guess I don't have a choice. I can't stop time, no matter how tight I shut my eyes and clench my teeth. Sometimes I wish life was like Heroes.

Last week was really long and really hard. But I'm feeling better now, considering all things. Mom and I are going to visit Grandma and Grandpa this afternoon. Grandma is going up to Portland tomorrow to be prepped for the biopsy. The biopsy is on Wednesday. Please pray that all goes well.

Grandma R (dad's mom) is having breathing problems again because of the heart valve. She can't have surgery, so re-regulating her medicine is the only option. I hope there is something the doctor can do.

I'm having issues with one of my cousins. For some reason she feels she can't trust me, and it's really irritating because I don't know why. She won't talk to me. I don't want a rift between us. She's had a rough time and I want to help. It's like people around here don't understand what it means and what it takes to be in a family. I'm having issues...many of the same as before, with Dad. Ugh.

And then there's confusion with this person who stopped me the other day...oh, it's such a weird situation.

All of this stuff is so distressing...and it's all come at me at once...and I'm not supposed to be having to deal with crazy issues like that when I've got a whole farm to clean up before a certain family member gets here. WHAT am I supposed to do!

I hate this. But I love it. I hate...and love...how all of this has re-lit the fuse in my fingers to write what my mind has to say. I'd been stagnant for too long.

I hope you are all doing five thousand times better than I am, because you don't want to feel like I'm feeling. I don't want you to. I hope autumn is treating you well, with the recent wind gusts and dripping clouds. I miss all of you so.